For the first time in a long time,
I realize that I don’t need you with me.
I just want you to be there for me whenever I need someone.
For the first time in my life,
I realize it’s never me that doesn’t want to let you go.
It’s just you who always decided to show up whenever I almost forget your existence in my life.
And for the first time since I know you,
I realize I don’t have to be better so that you can see me the way I want you to see me,
I just need to see my worth the way I deserve. Only then, I will be better.
Not for you. But for myself and everyone that truly sees me before I even did.
So for the first and final time hopefully,
I decided I will live only for myself. No one else. And definitely not for you.
Because only then, I can find my peace in this cruel world.
I realize.
Sincerely me,
Az.Ra
Tag: Emotions
‘Her’. More than anything else
Under the moonlight,
Stood a girl in a ‘princess’ like dress.
Completely still as people keep their gaze on her.
So she started lowering her head in embarrassment.
While thinking to herself, ‘I know I don’t fit in no matter how I dress. How foolish I can be to think otherwise.’
And with that thought corrupting her head, she stays away from everyone in disappointment.
Little does she know,
Everyone looked in amazement.
Not in judgement.
Amazement on how brave she carries herself alone without so much effort.
Amazement on how breathtakingly shining she looks among the crowd even with all of her little flaws here and there.
And amazement on who she is as a person. As herself. No one else.
If only her head didn’t cloud with all of the invalidation she has towards herself.
She might see that she doesn’t need to ‘fit in’.
She just needs to only be ‘her’ more than anything else.
Sincerely me,
Az.Ra
She thought…
In the middle of the days,
She thought she saw you shaking from the wind blowing,
Only to realize it’s not the coolness of the wind effecting you,
Instead it’s the coldness of the world itself.
In the darkness of the night,
She thought you blinking your eyes every two seconds to adjust your view,
Only later to find out,
darkness never your problem to deal with,
It’s the tears that are too stubborn to disappear.
And in the midst of everything,
She thought she lose you in the crowd,
Only to find you hiding in the corner.
Far away from everyone.
Too afraid to show yourself due to the cruelness of the people around.
But above all,
She thought you were strong enough to keep fighting.
Only to be proud later on.
Because she was right all along.
Sincerely me,
Az.Ra
Reciprocation of Love
She says I love you. And he replied with I love you ‘too’.
So that’s a start. Of an ‘us’ for them.
Everything is so right but yet it feels so wrong.
Like a normal couple, they have their ups and downs.
So she thought everything exactly how it’s supposed to be.
That’s why. She fights for him.
Each and every time.
He also fights. But instead FOR her, he fights WITH her.
Yet she still doesn’t realize the difference.
He treats her like sh*t. And she blamed herself.
For not being ‘good’ enough.
When in reality, she never has to be good.
Because she was enough.
If only, she was with her real ‘person’.
Instead, she been trapped in unrealistic love,
that being show by unrealistic man,
that doesn’t know the real meaning of love.
How can he? when the word ‘I love you’ that he claims is only another word of reciprocation.
Sincerely me,
Az.Ra
Sad truth of growing up
She used to be some quiet girl that loved and kept loving. Without a single drop of hatred.
Someone that found beauty in everyone and everything.
A girl so pure that she might as well think everyone else as pure as herself with no bad blood in their body.
Some girl that trusts without thinking. And accepting without judgment.
She used to be all of that. Maybe even more.
But somehow she’s gone.
As day turn into months, and months pass by, replacing by years,
She saw how this world truly functions.
The ugly truth that being consoled by her innocence all this year.
The sad reality of people in it.
So she makes a choice that she never thinks she needs to. Up until that moment.
She changes herself. To fit in.
Even though she doesn’t have to.
As she doesn’t need anyone’s validation to be ‘her’. Unfortunately, nobody told her that.
Sincerely me,
Az.Ra
Another ‘me’
I don’t think I care much about how people view me. Appearance wise. How can I?
What’s the point?
If I myself doesn’t see who I like to see in me. Inner wise.
Those people will only be another ‘me’ anyway.
They will see what I see everyday in the mirror.
They will only be another additional set of my eyes.
Eyes that saw every little flaw I have.
Eyes that search for imperfections to hide.
Eyes that hold judgment for being who I am.
So isn’t it useless? To worry about what they might think when they see me?
While other people’s opinions do matter sometimes, it means nothing if my own opinion about myself has been clouded by all the insecurities I’ve been fighting with. And still am.
Sincerely me,
Az.Ra
Miserable Life
Life is tough isn’t it?
Sometimes you can handle it just fine. Other times? Not so much.
Invited a lot of unwanted feelings and emotions.
Which makes you doubt what you are even doing.
Or worse, think that you have an unpleasant life that will never make you happy unlike others.
But do you know? That was never true.
Yes you might have a bad day every now and then. And yes you have to work harder to improve that and be the better version of yourself when that happens, but it doesn’t mean you have a miserable life. It just means what life is supposed to be.
Living life to the fullest doesn’t always have to be about all the big deal that happens to you, it can also be about embracing and appreciating all the smallest things that bring you joy.
If the smallest thing such as the thought of having coffee every morning makes you smile, or perhaps something like the sound of the rain can automatically soothe you, I definitely can guarantee you this ; you are already living a life you should be proud of.
Big moment was great when it came, but those small moments are what give life more meaning and make life worth living.
So please realize that. Your life never can be miserable. It is all about what you decide to think and believe. After all, our mind is a very powerful thing. It can either help you or destroy you. It’s all in your control. So choose wisely.
Sincerely me,
Az.Ra
Never a priority
Ever feel like you’re not good enough?
Like you don’t seem to get anything right.
And everything you did doesn’t really matter. Because at the end of the day, you will mess that up anyway.
So it keeps nagging you everytime.
Stuck like those little pieces of gum under your shoes which you are having difficulty getting rid of.
That’s probably because it really is. The self doubt I mean.
I think it will always stay with every one of us. Literally.
We obviously will never constantly feel that every second of the day. But it definitely will make an appearance every now and then.
So what I am about to say might be helpful.
If we only give our attention to those gums only when they are stuck and we try to get rid of them, who says we can’t do the same when we feel all of those things about ourselves?
If the ‘struggle’ of removing the gums is the ONLY thing that requires our attention, that means it’s never really a priority to us.
Likewise. If the self doubt only appear every now and then, and you only focus on it only at ‘that moment’, why you’re so worry there’s something wrong with you? It’s really nothing to worry about. That feeling will comes and go as it’s please either we like it or not, but don’t give them power to corrupt your mind. The only thing you need to worry about is HOW to avoid making them as your priority in life.
Sincerely me,
Az.Ra
What It’s Takes
Somehow..
It take us losing someone
That makes us realize the importance of loving dearly.
It take us giving up
That makes us realize the importance of fighting back.
It take someone betrayal
That makes us realize the importance of loyalty.
It take us hurting badly
That makes us realize the importance of healing slowly.
And somehow
It take us to experiences all of that bad thing
That makes us start to appreciate the goods even more.
Just because it’s bad. Doesn’t mean it’s useless.
So, stop hating or regret every bad thing that ever happens to you.
Only because they exist, that you can see the beauty of good things.
So being thankful for everything even it was unpleasant to be though.
It’s a lesson. Not some unfairness to make your life miserable.
Sincerely me,
Az.Ra
Self Conscious
Looking in the mirror,
Saw your own reflection,
And having a weird feeling about it.
It’s normal isn’t it? Or not? I think it is.
At a certain point in life, I guess everyone will always find something they dislike about themselves.
It didn’t help either when people around them kept throwing a dirty look. Judging their appearance and stuff.
That’s why someone once said ‘the hardest thing to do is loving yourself’. True indeed.
But here is a secret you need to know to make it easier ; You don’t need to feel self conscious about yourself. Especially not because of people. Wanna know why? Here I tell you. They also secretly struggle with themselves.
Some day they also hate how they look.
Other days they also try so hard to look good for others.
It’s totally normal. Feeling self conscious is normal. Because You’re NORMAL.
Sincerely me,
Az.Ra
Sincerely Me 