It’s the time of the year again isn’t it?
The time of the year where it’s too windy and that becomes your excuse for the tears that seem to stay in the corner of your eyes.
The time of the year where it’s too cold and you claim that the reason you’re shaking.
The time of the year where the lights are not that bright and you say it’s too dark to get out of the bed.
But the thing is, you seem to forget that this time of the year doesn’t belong to you.
You also have been sharing it with others.
The struggle to keep the tears from spilling,
The struggle of making sure you stand strong even in the verge of breaking down,
And struggle to get out of the bed when what you really want to do is wrap up in your blanket and drown your sorrow away.
They feel it too, you know.
They feel it.
So you can stop using this time of the year as your excuse to hide what you truly feel.
Because you’re not alone. And you never will.
For a long time, loneliness has been my best friend. Always there. Whenever and wherever.
Giving me company at 1 am when the world is sleeping, but my eyes refuse to take a rest.
Holding my hand when I’m around people, but doesn’t feel like I belong.
Hugging me each and every time I find myself lost among all of the insecurities I have.
And for that, I totally despise it.
The fact that it doesn’t know how to leave me alone, creates chaos in me.
Chaos which at that time, for me is irrelevant.
But somehow, one day it seems to leave me.
Unknowingly I feel weak.
I seem to rely on others more often than not.
I couldn’t carry myself without any help from others around me.
At that realization, I came to learn that sometimes what we view as unnecessary feelings for us, hold so much more significant purpose in our life than what we can even imagine.
So from that moment, I decided to embrace all the feelings inside me.
Because who knows what their purposes will be for us in the future.
Days like this, I don’t know what to think.
As my head is a mess and I don’t think I have any idea how to sort that out.
Days like this, I find it’s hard to keep myself grounded.
As my strength slips away and I find it’s difficult for me to carry the burden, all alone.
Days like this, make me questioning my worth.
As their opinion keeps getting louder. And slowly but surely, it’s slipping through the crack of my wall.
And days like this, I realize how truly human I am.
As the feelings always on repeat every now and then.
No matter how many times I overcome it.
So on days like this, I decided to allowed myself to breath. To feel. To being consumed by all of that feeling.
Without any guilt. Without any regret.
As I know, it will always come back to that.
The never ending process of growing.
Even when you already heal.
Because healing doesn’t mean you will stop growing.
He’s a boy.
Who dreams to be a hero growing up.
‘It will be so cool’. He said.
Little does he know,
A hero is not a hero,
She’s a girl.
That hate villain with passion.
‘How can someone be so evil?’. She wondered.
Little does she know,
A villain is not a villain,
And they’re human.
Who saw what they wanted to see.
Say what they want to say.
And think about what they want to think.
Also they’re human.
Who seems to forget to see beyond the surface.
Who seems to be ignorant about the fact that everyone has a story to tell.
Who seems to need the reminder every now and then to open their heart and head to any possibility.
I ask you to be my lights. So you say you will.
You say you will be my sun and brighten up my morning everyday.
I know you didn’t lie. Because your sunshine did wake me up a little better,
But you forget to tell, you have a limited amount of time before the sun needs to set. And your light dimmer.
I ask you to be my rain. And you say of course you will.
You say you will be my rain. Continue cooling me down whenever the heat seems to burn me.
Of course you tell the truth. You cooled me down when the sun was blazing hot.
But you forget to tell, your time will come to an end eventually. Leaving me a beautiful rainbow as a replacement.
Then I ask you to stay. Forever.
As always. You say of course you will always stay with me.
But guess what? You forget to tell me. Again. Your stay didn’t mean to be forever. You will leave me eventually. After all, you have to leave this world at some point. Everyone will. Even myself.
So now, I stop asking you or anyone to be or do anything. Because I finally realized everything in this world is temporary. Nothing permanent. Since it’s beyond our control.
Under the moonlight,
Stood a girl in a ‘princess’ like dress.
Completely still as people keep their gaze on her.
So she started lowering her head in embarrassment.
While thinking to herself, ‘I know I don’t fit in no matter how I dress. How foolish I can be to think otherwise.’
And with that thought corrupting her head, she stays away from everyone in disappointment.
Little does she know,
Everyone looked in amazement.
Not in judgement.
Amazement on how brave she carries herself alone without so much effort.
Amazement on how breathtakingly shining she looks among the crowd even with all of her little flaws here and there.
And amazement on who she is as a person. As herself. No one else.
If only her head didn’t cloud with all of the invalidation she has towards herself.
She might see that she doesn’t need to ‘fit in’.
She just needs to only be ‘her’ more than anything else.
In the middle of the days,
She thought she saw you shaking from the wind blowing,
Only to realize it’s not the coolness of the wind effecting you,
Instead it’s the coldness of the world itself.
In the darkness of the night,
She thought you blinking your eyes every two seconds to adjust your view,
Only later to find out,
darkness never your problem to deal with,
It’s the tears that are too stubborn to disappear.
And in the midst of everything,
She thought she lose you in the crowd,
Only to find you hiding in the corner.
Far away from everyone.
Too afraid to show yourself due to the cruelness of the people around.
But above all,
She thought you were strong enough to keep fighting.
Only to be proud later on.
Because she was right all along.
She says I love you. And he replied with I love you ‘too’.
So that’s a start. Of an ‘us’ for them.
Everything is so right but yet it feels so wrong.
Like a normal couple, they have their ups and downs.
So she thought everything exactly how it’s supposed to be.
That’s why. She fights for him.
Each and every time.
He also fights. But instead FOR her, he fights WITH her.
Yet she still doesn’t realize the difference.
He treats her like sh*t. And she blamed herself.
For not being ‘good’ enough.
When in reality, she never has to be good.
Because she was enough.
If only, she was with her real ‘person’.
Instead, she been trapped in unrealistic love,
that being show by unrealistic man,
that doesn’t know the real meaning of love.
How can he? when the word ‘I love you’ that he claims is only another word of reciprocation.
She used to be some quiet girl that loved and kept loving. Without a single drop of hatred.
Someone that found beauty in everyone and everything.
A girl so pure that she might as well think everyone else as pure as herself with no bad blood in their body.
Some girl that trusts without thinking. And accepting without judgment.
She used to be all of that. Maybe even more.
But somehow she’s gone.
As day turn into months, and months pass by, replacing by years,
She saw how this world truly functions.
The ugly truth that being consoled by her innocence all this year.
The sad reality of people in it.
So she makes a choice that she never thinks she needs to. Up until that moment.
She changes herself. To fit in.
Even though she doesn’t have to.
As she doesn’t need anyone’s validation to be ‘her’. Unfortunately, nobody told her that.
I don’t think I care much about how people view me. Appearance wise. How can I?
What’s the point?
If I myself doesn’t see who I like to see in me. Inner wise.
Those people will only be another ‘me’ anyway.
They will see what I see everyday in the mirror.
They will only be another additional set of my eyes.
Eyes that saw every little flaw I have.
Eyes that search for imperfections to hide.
Eyes that hold judgment for being who I am.
So isn’t it useless? To worry about what they might think when they see me?
While other people’s opinions do matter sometimes, it means nothing if my own opinion about myself has been clouded by all the insecurities I’ve been fighting with. And still am.