The angels inside of me say I’ll be fine, as long as I stay calm.
But the anger inside of me boiling like a lavas ready to erupt and destroy everything around.
The angels inside of me say I need to hide my pain from the world, and I will actually be strong.
But the anger inside of me asked me to inflict my pain to the world and let them see how strong they’re to actually handle it themselves.
The angels inside of me say I have to play nice and they shall realize
But the anger inside of me requests to teach them a lesson and they shall be nice.
Hence, the angels and the anger are always in a battle. And I always let the angels win. So the anger is buried at the bottom. Growing with each unfairness I seem to allow. Until one day, it’s full and explodes.
Make known to me that, it’s ok for me at least to let them coexist. After all, between winning and losing, ties are also valid.
Sincerely me,
Az. Ra
Tag: appreciate
Loneliness
For a long time, loneliness has been my best friend. Always there. Whenever and wherever.
Giving me company at 1 am when the world is sleeping, but my eyes refuse to take a rest.
Holding my hand when I’m around people, but doesn’t feel like I belong.
Hugging me each and every time I find myself lost among all of the insecurities I have.
And for that, I totally despise it.
The fact that it doesn’t know how to leave me alone, creates chaos in me.
Chaos which at that time, for me is irrelevant.
But somehow, one day it seems to leave me.
Unknowingly I feel weak.
I seem to rely on others more often than not.
I couldn’t carry myself without any help from others around me.
At that realization, I came to learn that sometimes what we view as unnecessary feelings for us, hold so much more significant purpose in our life than what we can even imagine.
So from that moment, I decided to embrace all the feelings inside me.
Because who knows what their purposes will be for us in the future.
Sincerely me,
Az.Ra
Days Like This..
Days like this, I don’t know what to think.
As my head is a mess and I don’t think I have any idea how to sort that out.
Days like this, I find it’s hard to keep myself grounded.
As my strength slips away and I find it’s difficult for me to carry the burden, all alone.
Days like this, make me questioning my worth.
As their opinion keeps getting louder. And slowly but surely, it’s slipping through the crack of my wall.
And days like this, I realize how truly human I am.
As the feelings always on repeat every now and then.
No matter how many times I overcome it.
So on days like this, I decided to allowed myself to breath. To feel. To being consumed by all of that feeling.
Without any guilt. Without any regret.
As I know, it will always come back to that.
The never ending process of growing.
Even when you already heal.
Because healing doesn’t mean you will stop growing.
Sincerely me,
Az.Ra
Temporary
I ask you to be my lights. So you say you will.
You say you will be my sun and brighten up my morning everyday.
I know you didn’t lie. Because your sunshine did wake me up a little better,
But you forget to tell, you have a limited amount of time before the sun needs to set. And your light dimmer.
I ask you to be my rain. And you say of course you will.
You say you will be my rain. Continue cooling me down whenever the heat seems to burn me.
Of course you tell the truth. You cooled me down when the sun was blazing hot.
But you forget to tell, your time will come to an end eventually. Leaving me a beautiful rainbow as a replacement.
Then I ask you to stay. Forever.
As always. You say of course you will always stay with me.
But guess what? You forget to tell me. Again. Your stay didn’t mean to be forever. You will leave me eventually. After all, you have to leave this world at some point. Everyone will. Even myself.
So now, I stop asking you or anyone to be or do anything. Because I finally realized everything in this world is temporary. Nothing permanent. Since it’s beyond our control.
Sincerely me,
Az.Ra
I realize
For the first time in a long time,
I realize that I don’t need you with me.
I just want you to be there for me whenever I need someone.
For the first time in my life,
I realize it’s never me that doesn’t want to let you go.
It’s just you who always decided to show up whenever I almost forget your existence in my life.
And for the first time since I know you,
I realize I don’t have to be better so that you can see me the way I want you to see me,
I just need to see my worth the way I deserve. Only then, I will be better.
Not for you. But for myself and everyone that truly sees me before I even did.
So for the first and final time hopefully,
I decided I will live only for myself. No one else. And definitely not for you.
Because only then, I can find my peace in this cruel world.
I realize.
Sincerely me,
Az.Ra
‘Her’. More than anything else
Under the moonlight,
Stood a girl in a ‘princess’ like dress.
Completely still as people keep their gaze on her.
So she started lowering her head in embarrassment.
While thinking to herself, ‘I know I don’t fit in no matter how I dress. How foolish I can be to think otherwise.’
And with that thought corrupting her head, she stays away from everyone in disappointment.
Little does she know,
Everyone looked in amazement.
Not in judgement.
Amazement on how brave she carries herself alone without so much effort.
Amazement on how breathtakingly shining she looks among the crowd even with all of her little flaws here and there.
And amazement on who she is as a person. As herself. No one else.
If only her head didn’t cloud with all of the invalidation she has towards herself.
She might see that she doesn’t need to ‘fit in’.
She just needs to only be ‘her’ more than anything else.
Sincerely me,
Az.Ra
Miserable Life
Life is tough isn’t it?
Sometimes you can handle it just fine. Other times? Not so much.
Invited a lot of unwanted feelings and emotions.
Which makes you doubt what you are even doing.
Or worse, think that you have an unpleasant life that will never make you happy unlike others.
But do you know? That was never true.
Yes you might have a bad day every now and then. And yes you have to work harder to improve that and be the better version of yourself when that happens, but it doesn’t mean you have a miserable life. It just means what life is supposed to be.
Living life to the fullest doesn’t always have to be about all the big deal that happens to you, it can also be about embracing and appreciating all the smallest things that bring you joy.
If the smallest thing such as the thought of having coffee every morning makes you smile, or perhaps something like the sound of the rain can automatically soothe you, I definitely can guarantee you this ; you are already living a life you should be proud of.
Big moment was great when it came, but those small moments are what give life more meaning and make life worth living.
So please realize that. Your life never can be miserable. It is all about what you decide to think and believe. After all, our mind is a very powerful thing. It can either help you or destroy you. It’s all in your control. So choose wisely.
Sincerely me,
Az.Ra
Relax!!
You think you’re confident enough. However when time comes and you have to face your audience, you’re shaking.
You think you’re brave enough to face any challenges. But when what you fear the most comes knocking, you start to hide away.
You think you’re patient enough to keep waiting. However when one by one people pass by, you start questioning why it took so long.
You think you’re happy enough with all of your achievements. But when you see others become more successful, you create another goal to achieve.
You think you’re intelligent enough to solve any problem. However when some issues arise for you to handle, you can’t find any solution to fix it.
You know what?you overthink!!
So what you say if you just stop for a second and just live in the moment. Go with the flow and have faith that life will turn out the way it is supposed to be. Not the way you want it to be.
Let life do their magic. Nothing can go wrong in the hand of fate.
Sincerely me,
Az.Ra
What It’s Takes
Somehow..
It take us losing someone
That makes us realize the importance of loving dearly.
It take us giving up
That makes us realize the importance of fighting back.
It take someone betrayal
That makes us realize the importance of loyalty.
It take us hurting badly
That makes us realize the importance of healing slowly.
And somehow
It take us to experiences all of that bad thing
That makes us start to appreciate the goods even more.
Just because it’s bad. Doesn’t mean it’s useless.
So, stop hating or regret every bad thing that ever happens to you.
Only because they exist, that you can see the beauty of good things.
So being thankful for everything even it was unpleasant to be though.
It’s a lesson. Not some unfairness to make your life miserable.
Sincerely me,
Az.Ra
Self Conscious
Looking in the mirror,
Saw your own reflection,
And having a weird feeling about it.
It’s normal isn’t it? Or not? I think it is.
At a certain point in life, I guess everyone will always find something they dislike about themselves.
It didn’t help either when people around them kept throwing a dirty look. Judging their appearance and stuff.
That’s why someone once said ‘the hardest thing to do is loving yourself’. True indeed.
But here is a secret you need to know to make it easier ; You don’t need to feel self conscious about yourself. Especially not because of people. Wanna know why? Here I tell you. They also secretly struggle with themselves.
Some day they also hate how they look.
Other days they also try so hard to look good for others.
It’s totally normal. Feeling self conscious is normal. Because You’re NORMAL.
Sincerely me,
Az.Ra
Sincerely Me 