The Warrior She Is

If someone asked me what I want to be,
I will say I don’t want to be anything.
I just want to be me.
The happy me that smiled until her cheek hurt.
The sad me that cries ugly tears.
The angry me shouting swear.
The messy me that makes a mess everywhere.
Just the true me really.
That accept myself without any fear.
Basically just the whole me that is not fully here now.
But I know she’s there.
On her way to me.
She just needs a little time.
So until then,
I will fight her battle.
Bravely.
Like the warrior she is.
While waiting for her to come home
To where she belongs.

Sincerely me,
Az.Ra

Dear Consciousness

You know, I’m tired.
Tired of your bullshit.
Tired of feeling guilty every time I am selfish for my own good.
Tired of being mature for everyone’s sake.
Tired of being the ‘good girl’ everyone thought I am.
I’m really tired.
So can you just let me be selfish?
Without making me feel guilty?
Once in a while I want to be selfish.
I want to be immature and childish.
And I want to be the bad girl I know I am.
So can you please stop?
Stop putting me on a pedestal everytime.
Stop hurting me just to please everyone around.
Stop making me think it is my responsibility to make everyone happy.
I am not
Dear consciousness, I am not.
So please, let me be me without you looming around in the back of my mind every two seconds

Sincerely me,
Az. Ra

Ties also valid

The angels inside of me say I’ll be fine, as long as I stay calm.
But the anger inside of me boiling like a lavas ready to erupt and destroy everything around.
The angels inside of me say I need to hide my pain from the world, and I will actually be strong.
But the anger inside of me asked me to inflict my pain to the world and let them see how strong they’re to actually handle it themselves.
The angels inside of me say I have to play nice and they shall realize
But the anger inside of me requests to teach them a lesson and they shall be nice.
Hence, the angels and the anger are always in a battle. And I always let the angels win. So the anger is buried at the bottom. Growing with each unfairness I seem to allow. Until one day, it’s full and explodes.
Make known to me that, it’s ok for me at least to let them coexist. After all, between winning and losing, ties are also valid.

Sincerely me,
Az. Ra

Time of the year

It’s the time of the year again isn’t it?
The time of the year where it’s too windy and that becomes your excuse for the tears that seem to stay in the corner of your eyes.
The time of the year where it’s too cold and you claim that the reason you’re shaking.
The time of the year where the lights are not that bright and you say it’s too dark to get out of the bed.
But the thing is, you seem to forget that this time of the year doesn’t belong to you.
You also have been sharing it with others.
The struggle to keep the tears from spilling,
The struggle of making sure you stand strong even in the verge of breaking down,
And struggle to get out of the bed when what you really want to do is wrap up in your blanket and drown your sorrow away.
They feel it too, you know.
They feel it.
So you can stop using this time of the year as your excuse to hide what you truly feel.
Because you’re not alone. And you never will.

Sincerely me,
Az.Ra

Loneliness

For a long time, loneliness has been my best friend. Always there. Whenever and wherever.
Giving me company at 1 am when the world is sleeping, but my eyes refuse to take a rest.
Holding my hand when I’m around people, but doesn’t feel like I belong.
Hugging me each and every time I find myself lost among all of the insecurities I have.
And for that, I totally despise it.
The fact that it doesn’t know how to leave me alone, creates chaos in me.
Chaos which at that time, for me is irrelevant.
But somehow, one day it seems to leave me.
Unknowingly I feel weak.
I seem to rely on others more often than not.
I couldn’t carry myself without any help from others around me.
At that realization, I came to learn that sometimes what we view as unnecessary feelings for us, hold so much more significant purpose in our life than what we can even imagine.
So from that moment, I decided to embrace all the feelings inside me.
Because who knows what their purposes will be for us in the future.

Sincerely me,
Az.Ra

Days Like This..

Days like this, I don’t know what to think.
As my head is a mess and I don’t think I have any idea how to sort that out.
Days like this, I find it’s hard to keep myself grounded.
As my strength slips away and I find it’s difficult for me to carry the burden, all alone.
Days like this, make me questioning my worth.
As their opinion keeps getting louder. And slowly but surely, it’s slipping through the crack of my wall.
And days like this, I realize how truly human I am.
As the feelings always on repeat every now and then.
No matter how many times I overcome it.
So on days like this, I decided to allowed myself to breath. To feel. To being consumed by all of that feeling.
Without any guilt. Without any regret.
As I know, it will always come back to that.
The never ending process of growing.
Even when you already heal.
Because healing doesn’t mean you will stop growing.

Sincerely me,
Az.Ra

Temporary

I ask you to be my lights. So you say you will.
You say you will be my sun and brighten up my morning everyday.
I know you didn’t lie. Because your sunshine did wake me up a little better,
But you forget to tell, you have a limited amount of time before the sun needs to set. And your light dimmer.

I ask you to be my rain. And you say of course you will.
You say you will be my rain. Continue cooling me down whenever the heat seems to burn me.
Of course you tell the truth. You cooled me down when the sun was blazing hot.
But you forget to tell, your time will come to an end eventually. Leaving me a beautiful rainbow as a replacement.

Then I ask you to stay. Forever.
As always. You say of course you will always stay with me.
But guess what? You forget to tell me. Again. Your stay didn’t mean to be forever. You will leave me eventually. After all, you have to leave this world at some point. Everyone will. Even myself.

So now, I stop asking you or anyone to be or do anything. Because I finally realized everything in this world is temporary. Nothing permanent. Since it’s beyond our control.

Sincerely me,
Az.Ra

I realize

For the first time in a long time,
I realize that I don’t need you with me.
I just want you to be there for me whenever I need someone.

For the first time in my life,
I realize it’s never me that doesn’t want to let you go.
It’s just you who always decided to show up whenever I almost forget your existence in my life.

And for the first time since I know you,
I realize I don’t have to be better so that you can see me the way I want you to see me,

I just need to see my worth the way I deserve. Only then, I will be better.
Not for you. But for myself and everyone that truly sees me before I even did.

So for the first and final time hopefully,
I decided I will live only for myself. No one else. And definitely not for you.
Because only then, I can find my peace in this cruel world.

I realize.

Sincerely me,
Az.Ra

Reciprocation of Love

She says I love you. And he replied with I love you ‘too’.
So that’s a start. Of an ‘us’ for them.
Everything is so right but yet it feels so wrong.
Like a normal couple, they have their ups and downs.
So she thought everything exactly how it’s supposed to be.
That’s why. She fights for him.
Each and every time.
He also fights. But instead FOR her, he fights WITH her.
Yet she still doesn’t realize the difference.
He treats her like sh*t. And she blamed herself.
For not being ‘good’ enough.
When in reality, she never has to be good.
Because she was enough.
If only, she was with her real ‘person’.
Instead, she been trapped in unrealistic love,
that being show by unrealistic man,
that doesn’t know the real meaning of love.
How can he? when the word ‘I love you’ that he claims is only another word of reciprocation.

Sincerely me,
Az.Ra

Another ‘me’

I don’t think I care much about how people view me. Appearance wise. How can I?
What’s the point?
If I myself doesn’t see who I like to see in me. Inner wise.
Those people will only be another ‘me’ anyway.
They will see what I see everyday in the mirror.
They will only be another additional set of my eyes.
Eyes that saw every little flaw I have.
Eyes that search for imperfections to hide.
Eyes that hold judgment for being who I am.
So isn’t it useless? To worry about what they might think when they see me?

While other people’s opinions do matter sometimes, it means nothing if my own opinion about myself has been clouded by all the insecurities I’ve been fighting with. And still am.

Sincerely me,
Az.Ra