Darkness

Darkness. Most people hate it.
Scared even.
What not to be scared of, they ask.
After all, you can’t even see anything in the dark.
That’s what they said.
Perhaps in a way, they’re right.
But of course, as I am not most people,
I always prefer darkness over the bright daylight.
For no particular reason except for the fact that,
In the darkness, I’m not so alone.
Because my shadow will be there to keep me company.
True. I might fumble in the dark,
Which make it seem like such a inconvenience at time,
But the fact that the shadow never leaves when I’m struggling alone speaks volume.
Not to forget,
In the dark,
I can finally be whatever I want to be.
Without any judgment. Any insecurities. Any fear.
Because it hides it all.
From everything everyone else seem to hate,
To nothing I find to like.
So in a way, darkness can also be beauty in disguise.
For people like me.

Sincerely me,
Az.Ra

Invisible

In the room full of people,
Stood a girl in the corner.
Away from everyone.
As she wait for someone to notice her,
time tickles by. But nobody seemed to spare her a glance.
So she thought maybe she was too far away and that’s why.
Slowly, she creeps in among the sea of people.
But still, nobody sees her.
Too caught up in their own show to care about the world they live in. And people around it.
And as she stood there,
Being invisible to the everyone else but herself,
She decided to leave and abandon the need to fit in.
Because who wants to fit in in a world that is full of ignorant?
Definitely not her.

Sincerely me,
Az.Ra

She’s a 10, but…

Everyone thinks she’s a 10
but still, she keeps comparing herself to 9 other girls which are strangers to begin with.
It doesn’t help either when 8 of her friends are toxic and keep making jokes about her appearance every now and then.
So it’s not a surprise when she saw 7 guys coming her way, she kept her head down and hid behind the curtain of her long hair.
When in reality, 6 of them were amazed by the beauty that she held within.
And the saddest part is, when someone tells her she’s a 5 out of 5, she feels embarrassed.
Because she thought they were making a joke out of her.
And 4 the life of her, she cannot fathom anyone seeing her as anything rather than what her self doubt keeps telling her everyday at 3 a.m when she lay in the bed wide awake.
2 her, she will always be nothing and until the 1 that makes her feel like she’s somebody and treats her like she’s the center of their universe appears, she will keep struggling. fighting.
But as she’s a believer, she has faith that she can win every battle in the end. Even if that battle is with herself.

Sincerely me,
Az.Ra

The Irony

It’s gonna hit 5 am soon. But here I am. Wide awake.
Thinking about everything and nothing.
The void in my heart grows bigger as time passes by.
And the loneliness that I don’t acknowledge when the world is full of life makes me aware of its present, now that the world is sleeping and the quietness covers me like a blanket.
The question of whether someone out there cares enough has been on replay in my head. Like a broken television.
Mess with my thoughts. Mess with my worth.
Even so, I decided to let all the questions, the thoughts and the doubts rant free for now.
And hoping as I close my eyes and welcome the new day with a hug, I will find my comfort with the sunrise that will wake up.
Even when I know it is temporary and the cycle will repeat eventually the next day. The day after that. And the days to come.
The irony. Of being a human with feeling.
You just have to go with it as a reminder you’re alive still. As painful as it can get.

Sincerely me,
Az.Ra

I’m Sorry

‘I’m sorry’ she said.
Those words become her prayer even when there’s nothing for her to feel sorry about.
Guess at a young age, she used to take the fall.
Being blamed for everything.
Convincing her it was her fault and her fault only for every decision she makes. Every action she takes. And every responsibility she carries.
So out of habit, she utters those words without thinking.
And as a result it crushed her confidence even more than it already is.
Second guess herself every time, as she lets those narcissist people walk all over her like a doormat she knew she didn’t deserve.
Even now when she decided to set boundaries and priorities herself over any other things, she’s still feeling sorry.
But this time for herself.
Because she realized too late that a boundary doesn’t warrant an apology.

Sincerely me,
Az.Ra

Dear Consciousness

You know, I’m tired.
Tired of your bullshit.
Tired of feeling guilty every time I am selfish for my own good.
Tired of being mature for everyone’s sake.
Tired of being the ‘good girl’ everyone thought I am.
I’m really tired.
So can you just let me be selfish?
Without making me feel guilty?
Once in a while I want to be selfish.
I want to be immature and childish.
And I want to be the bad girl I know I am.
So can you please stop?
Stop putting me on a pedestal everytime.
Stop hurting me just to please everyone around.
Stop making me think it is my responsibility to make everyone happy.
I am not
Dear consciousness, I am not.
So please, let me be me without you looming around in the back of my mind every two seconds

Sincerely me,
Az. Ra

Time of the year

It’s the time of the year again isn’t it?
The time of the year where it’s too windy and that becomes your excuse for the tears that seem to stay in the corner of your eyes.
The time of the year where it’s too cold and you claim that the reason you’re shaking.
The time of the year where the lights are not that bright and you say it’s too dark to get out of the bed.
But the thing is, you seem to forget that this time of the year doesn’t belong to you.
You also have been sharing it with others.
The struggle to keep the tears from spilling,
The struggle of making sure you stand strong even in the verge of breaking down,
And struggle to get out of the bed when what you really want to do is wrap up in your blanket and drown your sorrow away.
They feel it too, you know.
They feel it.
So you can stop using this time of the year as your excuse to hide what you truly feel.
Because you’re not alone. And you never will.

Sincerely me,
Az.Ra

Loneliness

For a long time, loneliness has been my best friend. Always there. Whenever and wherever.
Giving me company at 1 am when the world is sleeping, but my eyes refuse to take a rest.
Holding my hand when I’m around people, but doesn’t feel like I belong.
Hugging me each and every time I find myself lost among all of the insecurities I have.
And for that, I totally despise it.
The fact that it doesn’t know how to leave me alone, creates chaos in me.
Chaos which at that time, for me is irrelevant.
But somehow, one day it seems to leave me.
Unknowingly I feel weak.
I seem to rely on others more often than not.
I couldn’t carry myself without any help from others around me.
At that realization, I came to learn that sometimes what we view as unnecessary feelings for us, hold so much more significant purpose in our life than what we can even imagine.
So from that moment, I decided to embrace all the feelings inside me.
Because who knows what their purposes will be for us in the future.

Sincerely me,
Az.Ra

Days Like This..

Days like this, I don’t know what to think.
As my head is a mess and I don’t think I have any idea how to sort that out.
Days like this, I find it’s hard to keep myself grounded.
As my strength slips away and I find it’s difficult for me to carry the burden, all alone.
Days like this, make me questioning my worth.
As their opinion keeps getting louder. And slowly but surely, it’s slipping through the crack of my wall.
And days like this, I realize how truly human I am.
As the feelings always on repeat every now and then.
No matter how many times I overcome it.
So on days like this, I decided to allowed myself to breath. To feel. To being consumed by all of that feeling.
Without any guilt. Without any regret.
As I know, it will always come back to that.
The never ending process of growing.
Even when you already heal.
Because healing doesn’t mean you will stop growing.

Sincerely me,
Az.Ra

Beyond the surface

He’s a boy.
Who dreams to be a hero growing up.
‘It will be so cool’. He said.
Little does he know,
A hero is not a hero,
Without sacrifices.

She’s a girl.
That hate villain with passion.
‘How can someone be so evil?’. She wondered.
Little does she know,
A villain is not a villain,
Without suffering.

And they’re human.
Who saw what they wanted to see.
Say what they want to say.
And think about what they want to think.

Also they’re human.
Who seems to forget to see beyond the surface.
Who seems to be ignorant about the fact that everyone has a story to tell.
Who seems to need the reminder every now and then to open their heart and head to any possibility.

Sincerely me,
Az.Ra