If someone asked me what I want to be,
I will say I don’t want to be anything.
I just want to be me.
The happy me that smiled until her cheek hurt.
The sad me that cries ugly tears.
The angry me shouting swear.
The messy me that makes a mess everywhere.
Just the true me really.
That accept myself without any fear.
Basically just the whole me that is not fully here now.
But I know she’s there.
On her way to me.
She just needs a little time.
So until then,
I will fight her battle.
Bravely.
Like the warrior she is.
While waiting for her to come home
To where she belongs.
Sincerely me,
Az.Ra
Tag: Mistake
Destruction
It feels like a cage.
Or maybe a prison.
With nothing but myself as a company.
Which is a good thing.
Sometimes…
When I seek peace and quiet.
But then I realized,
Sometimes it’s become too much for a person to handle.
The thoughts that keep playing in the head.
As an entertainment.
Which also could lead to something bigger.
And as much as destruction is out of our control most of the times,
Self destruction is not my thing if I have a choice.
Sincerely me,
Az.Ra
Invisible
In the room full of people,
Stood a girl in the corner.
Away from everyone.
As she wait for someone to notice her,
time tickles by. But nobody seemed to spare her a glance.
So she thought maybe she was too far away and that’s why.
Slowly, she creeps in among the sea of people.
But still, nobody sees her.
Too caught up in their own show to care about the world they live in. And people around it.
And as she stood there,
Being invisible to the everyone else but herself,
She decided to leave and abandon the need to fit in.
Because who wants to fit in in a world that is full of ignorant?
Definitely not her.
Sincerely me,
Az.Ra
Present Imagination
This time around it feels heavy.
The thoughts of you suffocating me to no end.
Make my heart beat irregularly.
And my mind became quite a mess.
It’s not like you’re a catch to begin with.
That’s what my brain told me. And I knew it’s right.
But I guess my heart doesn’t even care to listen.
As time and time again you disappear in my life only to reappear in my mind.
Maybe now I don’t know yet, but for sure future me will know.
How you not that important,
as you are only a futile fairytale. Of my present imagination
Sincerely me,
Az.Ra
I’m Sorry
‘I’m sorry’ she said.
Those words become her prayer even when there’s nothing for her to feel sorry about.
Guess at a young age, she used to take the fall.
Being blamed for everything.
Convincing her it was her fault and her fault only for every decision she makes. Every action she takes. And every responsibility she carries.
So out of habit, she utters those words without thinking.
And as a result it crushed her confidence even more than it already is.
Second guess herself every time, as she lets those narcissist people walk all over her like a doormat she knew she didn’t deserve.
Even now when she decided to set boundaries and priorities herself over any other things, she’s still feeling sorry.
But this time for herself.
Because she realized too late that a boundary doesn’t warrant an apology.
Sincerely me,
Az.Ra
Dear Consciousness
You know, I’m tired.
Tired of your bullshit.
Tired of feeling guilty every time I am selfish for my own good.
Tired of being mature for everyone’s sake.
Tired of being the ‘good girl’ everyone thought I am.
I’m really tired.
So can you just let me be selfish?
Without making me feel guilty?
Once in a while I want to be selfish.
I want to be immature and childish.
And I want to be the bad girl I know I am.
So can you please stop?
Stop putting me on a pedestal everytime.
Stop hurting me just to please everyone around.
Stop making me think it is my responsibility to make everyone happy.
I am not
Dear consciousness, I am not.
So please, let me be me without you looming around in the back of my mind every two seconds
Sincerely me,
Az. Ra
Ties also valid
The angels inside of me say I’ll be fine, as long as I stay calm.
But the anger inside of me boiling like a lavas ready to erupt and destroy everything around.
The angels inside of me say I need to hide my pain from the world, and I will actually be strong.
But the anger inside of me asked me to inflict my pain to the world and let them see how strong they’re to actually handle it themselves.
The angels inside of me say I have to play nice and they shall realize
But the anger inside of me requests to teach them a lesson and they shall be nice.
Hence, the angels and the anger are always in a battle. And I always let the angels win. So the anger is buried at the bottom. Growing with each unfairness I seem to allow. Until one day, it’s full and explodes.
Make known to me that, it’s ok for me at least to let them coexist. After all, between winning and losing, ties are also valid.
Sincerely me,
Az. Ra
Time of the year
It’s the time of the year again isn’t it?
The time of the year where it’s too windy and that becomes your excuse for the tears that seem to stay in the corner of your eyes.
The time of the year where it’s too cold and you claim that the reason you’re shaking.
The time of the year where the lights are not that bright and you say it’s too dark to get out of the bed.
But the thing is, you seem to forget that this time of the year doesn’t belong to you.
You also have been sharing it with others.
The struggle to keep the tears from spilling,
The struggle of making sure you stand strong even in the verge of breaking down,
And struggle to get out of the bed when what you really want to do is wrap up in your blanket and drown your sorrow away.
They feel it too, you know.
They feel it.
So you can stop using this time of the year as your excuse to hide what you truly feel.
Because you’re not alone. And you never will.
Sincerely me,
Az.Ra
Loneliness
For a long time, loneliness has been my best friend. Always there. Whenever and wherever.
Giving me company at 1 am when the world is sleeping, but my eyes refuse to take a rest.
Holding my hand when I’m around people, but doesn’t feel like I belong.
Hugging me each and every time I find myself lost among all of the insecurities I have.
And for that, I totally despise it.
The fact that it doesn’t know how to leave me alone, creates chaos in me.
Chaos which at that time, for me is irrelevant.
But somehow, one day it seems to leave me.
Unknowingly I feel weak.
I seem to rely on others more often than not.
I couldn’t carry myself without any help from others around me.
At that realization, I came to learn that sometimes what we view as unnecessary feelings for us, hold so much more significant purpose in our life than what we can even imagine.
So from that moment, I decided to embrace all the feelings inside me.
Because who knows what their purposes will be for us in the future.
Sincerely me,
Az.Ra
Days Like This..
Days like this, I don’t know what to think.
As my head is a mess and I don’t think I have any idea how to sort that out.
Days like this, I find it’s hard to keep myself grounded.
As my strength slips away and I find it’s difficult for me to carry the burden, all alone.
Days like this, make me questioning my worth.
As their opinion keeps getting louder. And slowly but surely, it’s slipping through the crack of my wall.
And days like this, I realize how truly human I am.
As the feelings always on repeat every now and then.
No matter how many times I overcome it.
So on days like this, I decided to allowed myself to breath. To feel. To being consumed by all of that feeling.
Without any guilt. Without any regret.
As I know, it will always come back to that.
The never ending process of growing.
Even when you already heal.
Because healing doesn’t mean you will stop growing.
Sincerely me,
Az.Ra
Sincerely Me 