Dear Consciousness

You know, I’m tired.
Tired of your bullshit.
Tired of feeling guilty every time I am selfish for my own good.
Tired of being mature for everyone’s sake.
Tired of being the ‘good girl’ everyone thought I am.
I’m really tired.
So can you just let me be selfish?
Without making me feel guilty?
Once in a while I want to be selfish.
I want to be immature and childish.
And I want to be the bad girl I know I am.
So can you please stop?
Stop putting me on a pedestal everytime.
Stop hurting me just to please everyone around.
Stop making me think it is my responsibility to make everyone happy.
I am not
Dear consciousness, I am not.
So please, let me be me without you looming around in the back of my mind every two seconds

Sincerely me,
Az. Ra

Ties also valid

The angels inside of me say I’ll be fine, as long as I stay calm.
But the anger inside of me boiling like a lavas ready to erupt and destroy everything around.
The angels inside of me say I need to hide my pain from the world, and I will actually be strong.
But the anger inside of me asked me to inflict my pain to the world and let them see how strong they’re to actually handle it themselves.
The angels inside of me say I have to play nice and they shall realize
But the anger inside of me requests to teach them a lesson and they shall be nice.
Hence, the angels and the anger are always in a battle. And I always let the angels win. So the anger is buried at the bottom. Growing with each unfairness I seem to allow. Until one day, it’s full and explodes.
Make known to me that, it’s ok for me at least to let them coexist. After all, between winning and losing, ties are also valid.

Sincerely me,
Az. Ra

Time of the year

It’s the time of the year again isn’t it?
The time of the year where it’s too windy and that becomes your excuse for the tears that seem to stay in the corner of your eyes.
The time of the year where it’s too cold and you claim that the reason you’re shaking.
The time of the year where the lights are not that bright and you say it’s too dark to get out of the bed.
But the thing is, you seem to forget that this time of the year doesn’t belong to you.
You also have been sharing it with others.
The struggle to keep the tears from spilling,
The struggle of making sure you stand strong even in the verge of breaking down,
And struggle to get out of the bed when what you really want to do is wrap up in your blanket and drown your sorrow away.
They feel it too, you know.
They feel it.
So you can stop using this time of the year as your excuse to hide what you truly feel.
Because you’re not alone. And you never will.

Sincerely me,
Az.Ra

Loneliness

For a long time, loneliness has been my best friend. Always there. Whenever and wherever.
Giving me company at 1 am when the world is sleeping, but my eyes refuse to take a rest.
Holding my hand when I’m around people, but doesn’t feel like I belong.
Hugging me each and every time I find myself lost among all of the insecurities I have.
And for that, I totally despise it.
The fact that it doesn’t know how to leave me alone, creates chaos in me.
Chaos which at that time, for me is irrelevant.
But somehow, one day it seems to leave me.
Unknowingly I feel weak.
I seem to rely on others more often than not.
I couldn’t carry myself without any help from others around me.
At that realization, I came to learn that sometimes what we view as unnecessary feelings for us, hold so much more significant purpose in our life than what we can even imagine.
So from that moment, I decided to embrace all the feelings inside me.
Because who knows what their purposes will be for us in the future.

Sincerely me,
Az.Ra

What It’s Takes

Somehow..

It take us losing someone
That makes us realize the importance of loving dearly.

It take us giving up
That makes us realize the importance of fighting back.

It take someone betrayal
That makes us realize the importance of loyalty.

It take us hurting badly
That makes us realize the importance of healing slowly.

And somehow
It take us to experiences all of that bad thing
That makes us start to appreciate the goods even more.

Just because it’s bad. Doesn’t mean it’s useless.
So, stop hating or regret every bad thing that ever happens to you.
Only because they exist, that you can see the beauty of good things.
So being thankful for everything even it was unpleasant to be though.
It’s a lesson. Not some unfairness to make your life miserable.

Sincerely me,
Az.Ra

Grateful Work Wonder

When you angry with your parent because they give you advice for your own good,
Somewhere in this world, someone that loses their parents wishes they still have one.

When you complain because your parent forget to bought your favourite food,
Somewhere in this world, someone has to fast all day because they don’t have food to eat at all.

When you think life don’t treat you fair just because you can’t get your dream car to show off unlike your friends,
Somewhere in this world, someone has to walk miles in the heat just to buy groceries.

And maybe when you stop counting what you don’t have and start appreciating what you already got, you will see how lucky you already are.

Sincerely me,
Az.Ra