Sometime the hardest thing about grief is not how difficult to let go,
It’s how easy you can forget.
As time move forward.
Leaving in a blink of an eye.
And the only thing you can remember is
Darkness. Most people hate it.
What not to be scared of, they ask.
After all, you can’t even see anything in the dark.
That’s what they said.
Perhaps in a way, they’re right.
But of course, as I am not most people,
I always prefer darkness over the bright daylight.
For no particular reason except for the fact that,
In the darkness, I’m not so alone.
Because my shadow will be there to keep me company.
True. I might fumble in the dark,
Which make it seem like such a inconvenience at time,
But the fact that the shadow never leaves when I’m struggling alone speaks volume.
Not to forget,
In the dark,
I can finally be whatever I want to be.
Without any judgment. Any insecurities. Any fear.
Because it hides it all.
From everything everyone else seem to hate,
To nothing I find to like.
So in a way, darkness can also be beauty in disguise.
For people like me.
In the room full of people,
Stood a girl in the corner.
Away from everyone.
As she wait for someone to notice her,
time tickles by. But nobody seemed to spare her a glance.
So she thought maybe she was too far away and that’s why.
Slowly, she creeps in among the sea of people.
But still, nobody sees her.
Too caught up in their own show to care about the world they live in. And people around it.
And as she stood there,
Being invisible to the everyone else but herself,
She decided to leave and abandon the need to fit in.
Because who wants to fit in in a world that is full of ignorant?
Definitely not her.
Today just another day.
Of me feeling everything and nothing at the same time.
Past mistakes resurface.
Leaving me suffocating,
And breathing seems like something foreign.
Something out of my grasp.
Sometimes I wonder,
Does it always have to feel like this?
I know, and more than that,
I believe everything will work out in the end.
I wish I don’t make that dumb mistakes. Ever.
But then, my logical mind, as nicely as it can told me ;
‘If you don’t, where is the lesson you need to learn’.
So with this heavy heart,
I whisper to myself,
‘Today just another day’.
And silently mature up to stay strong.
To the me I am today,
In the future you will see,
Who you truly are.
I know now it’s seem like you just another character in someone’s book,
Which might be true somehow,
But why you keep forgetting,
You have your own book too, you know.
And in that book of yours,
You’re the main character.
The leading lady. The star of the show. And so much more.
It’s true that the chapter might become longer as time pass by,
And perhaps not everyone decided to finish reading your book,
But you can’t deny, some of them also can love it too.
Enough to wait till the end.
Because for them,
You’re the inspiration that keeps them going.
The lesson they learn in advance.
The guide they need to be on the right path in the upcoming journey of their life.
So as for today,
With that knowledge,
Breath a little easier will you?
Future you will be proud of yourself.
So don’t worry, okay.
This time around it feels heavy.
The thoughts of you suffocating me to no end.
Make my heart beat irregularly.
And my mind became quite a mess.
It’s not like you’re a catch to begin with.
That’s what my brain told me. And I knew it’s right.
But I guess my heart doesn’t even care to listen.
As time and time again you disappear in my life only to reappear in my mind.
Maybe now I don’t know yet, but for sure future me will know.
How you not that important,
as you are only a futile fairytale. Of my present imagination
It’s gonna hit 5 am soon. But here I am. Wide awake.
Thinking about everything and nothing.
The void in my heart grows bigger as time passes by.
And the loneliness that I don’t acknowledge when the world is full of life makes me aware of its present, now that the world is sleeping and the quietness covers me like a blanket.
The question of whether someone out there cares enough has been on replay in my head. Like a broken television.
Mess with my thoughts. Mess with my worth.
Even so, I decided to let all the questions, the thoughts and the doubts rant free for now.
And hoping as I close my eyes and welcome the new day with a hug, I will find my comfort with the sunrise that will wake up.
Even when I know it is temporary and the cycle will repeat eventually the next day. The day after that. And the days to come.
The irony. Of being a human with feeling.
You just have to go with it as a reminder you’re alive still. As painful as it can get.
‘I’m sorry’ she said.
Those words become her prayer even when there’s nothing for her to feel sorry about.
Guess at a young age, she used to take the fall.
Being blamed for everything.
Convincing her it was her fault and her fault only for every decision she makes. Every action she takes. And every responsibility she carries.
So out of habit, she utters those words without thinking.
And as a result it crushed her confidence even more than it already is.
Second guess herself every time, as she lets those narcissist people walk all over her like a doormat she knew she didn’t deserve.
Even now when she decided to set boundaries and priorities herself over any other things, she’s still feeling sorry.
But this time for herself.
Because she realized too late that a boundary doesn’t warrant an apology.
You know, I’m tired.
Tired of your bullshit.
Tired of feeling guilty every time I am selfish for my own good.
Tired of being mature for everyone’s sake.
Tired of being the ‘good girl’ everyone thought I am.
I’m really tired.
So can you just let me be selfish?
Without making me feel guilty?
Once in a while I want to be selfish.
I want to be immature and childish.
And I want to be the bad girl I know I am.
So can you please stop?
Stop putting me on a pedestal everytime.
Stop hurting me just to please everyone around.
Stop making me think it is my responsibility to make everyone happy.
I am not
Dear consciousness, I am not.
So please, let me be me without you looming around in the back of my mind every two seconds
The angels inside of me say I’ll be fine, as long as I stay calm.
But the anger inside of me boiling like a lavas ready to erupt and destroy everything around.
The angels inside of me say I need to hide my pain from the world, and I will actually be strong.
But the anger inside of me asked me to inflict my pain to the world and let them see how strong they’re to actually handle it themselves.
The angels inside of me say I have to play nice and they shall realize
But the anger inside of me requests to teach them a lesson and they shall be nice.
Hence, the angels and the anger are always in a battle. And I always let the angels win. So the anger is buried at the bottom. Growing with each unfairness I seem to allow. Until one day, it’s full and explodes.
Make known to me that, it’s ok for me at least to let them coexist. After all, between winning and losing, ties are also valid.