Somewhere between then and now,
Us laughing together turns into me smiling alone.
Somewhere between then and now,
The need to feel like I belong in the crowd turns to long for some peace and quiet.
Somewhere between then and now,
The sadness of being alone turns into a strength to be more independent.
And somewhere between then and now,
The hollow doesn’t feel so bad at all.
Because somewhere between then and now
I know I can grow even more now.
To the me I am today,
In the future you will see,
Who you truly are.
I know now it’s seem like you just another character in someone’s book,
Which might be true somehow,
But why you keep forgetting,
You have your own book too, you know.
And in that book of yours,
You’re the main character.
The leading lady. The star of the show. And so much more.
It’s true that the chapter might become longer as time pass by,
And perhaps not everyone decided to finish reading your book,
But you can’t deny, some of them also can love it too.
Enough to wait till the end.
Because for them,
You’re the inspiration that keeps them going.
The lesson they learn in advance.
The guide they need to be on the right path in the upcoming journey of their life.
So as for today,
With that knowledge,
Breath a little easier will you?
Future you will be proud of yourself.
So don’t worry, okay.
You know, I’m tired.
Tired of your bullshit.
Tired of feeling guilty every time I am selfish for my own good.
Tired of being mature for everyone’s sake.
Tired of being the ‘good girl’ everyone thought I am.
I’m really tired.
So can you just let me be selfish?
Without making me feel guilty?
Once in a while I want to be selfish.
I want to be immature and childish.
And I want to be the bad girl I know I am.
So can you please stop?
Stop putting me on a pedestal everytime.
Stop hurting me just to please everyone around.
Stop making me think it is my responsibility to make everyone happy.
I am not
Dear consciousness, I am not.
So please, let me be me without you looming around in the back of my mind every two seconds
The angels inside of me say I’ll be fine, as long as I stay calm.
But the anger inside of me boiling like a lavas ready to erupt and destroy everything around.
The angels inside of me say I need to hide my pain from the world, and I will actually be strong.
But the anger inside of me asked me to inflict my pain to the world and let them see how strong they’re to actually handle it themselves.
The angels inside of me say I have to play nice and they shall realize
But the anger inside of me requests to teach them a lesson and they shall be nice.
Hence, the angels and the anger are always in a battle. And I always let the angels win. So the anger is buried at the bottom. Growing with each unfairness I seem to allow. Until one day, it’s full and explodes.
Make known to me that, it’s ok for me at least to let them coexist. After all, between winning and losing, ties are also valid.
It’s the time of the year again isn’t it?
The time of the year where it’s too windy and that becomes your excuse for the tears that seem to stay in the corner of your eyes.
The time of the year where it’s too cold and you claim that the reason you’re shaking.
The time of the year where the lights are not that bright and you say it’s too dark to get out of the bed.
But the thing is, you seem to forget that this time of the year doesn’t belong to you.
You also have been sharing it with others.
The struggle to keep the tears from spilling,
The struggle of making sure you stand strong even in the verge of breaking down,
And struggle to get out of the bed when what you really want to do is wrap up in your blanket and drown your sorrow away.
They feel it too, you know.
They feel it.
So you can stop using this time of the year as your excuse to hide what you truly feel.
Because you’re not alone. And you never will.
For a long time, loneliness has been my best friend. Always there. Whenever and wherever.
Giving me company at 1 am when the world is sleeping, but my eyes refuse to take a rest.
Holding my hand when I’m around people, but doesn’t feel like I belong.
Hugging me each and every time I find myself lost among all of the insecurities I have.
And for that, I totally despise it.
The fact that it doesn’t know how to leave me alone, creates chaos in me.
Chaos which at that time, for me is irrelevant.
But somehow, one day it seems to leave me.
Unknowingly I feel weak.
I seem to rely on others more often than not.
I couldn’t carry myself without any help from others around me.
At that realization, I came to learn that sometimes what we view as unnecessary feelings for us, hold so much more significant purpose in our life than what we can even imagine.
So from that moment, I decided to embrace all the feelings inside me.
Because who knows what their purposes will be for us in the future.
He’s a boy.
Who dreams to be a hero growing up.
‘It will be so cool’. He said.
Little does he know,
A hero is not a hero,
She’s a girl.
That hate villain with passion.
‘How can someone be so evil?’. She wondered.
Little does she know,
A villain is not a villain,
And they’re human.
Who saw what they wanted to see.
Say what they want to say.
And think about what they want to think.
Also they’re human.
Who seems to forget to see beyond the surface.
Who seems to be ignorant about the fact that everyone has a story to tell.
Who seems to need the reminder every now and then to open their heart and head to any possibility.
For the first time in a long time,
I realize that I don’t need you with me.
I just want you to be there for me whenever I need someone.
For the first time in my life,
I realize it’s never me that doesn’t want to let you go.
It’s just you who always decided to show up whenever I almost forget your existence in my life.
And for the first time since I know you,
I realize I don’t have to be better so that you can see me the way I want you to see me,
I just need to see my worth the way I deserve. Only then, I will be better.
Not for you. But for myself and everyone that truly sees me before I even did.
So for the first and final time hopefully,
I decided I will live only for myself. No one else. And definitely not for you.
Because only then, I can find my peace in this cruel world.
Under the moonlight,
Stood a girl in a ‘princess’ like dress.
Completely still as people keep their gaze on her.
So she started lowering her head in embarrassment.
While thinking to herself, ‘I know I don’t fit in no matter how I dress. How foolish I can be to think otherwise.’
And with that thought corrupting her head, she stays away from everyone in disappointment.
Little does she know,
Everyone looked in amazement.
Not in judgement.
Amazement on how brave she carries herself alone without so much effort.
Amazement on how breathtakingly shining she looks among the crowd even with all of her little flaws here and there.
And amazement on who she is as a person. As herself. No one else.
If only her head didn’t cloud with all of the invalidation she has towards herself.
She might see that she doesn’t need to ‘fit in’.
She just needs to only be ‘her’ more than anything else.
Life is tough isn’t it?
Sometimes you can handle it just fine. Other times? Not so much.
Invited a lot of unwanted feelings and emotions.
Which makes you doubt what you are even doing.
Or worse, think that you have an unpleasant life that will never make you happy unlike others.
But do you know? That was never true.
Yes you might have a bad day every now and then. And yes you have to work harder to improve that and be the better version of yourself when that happens, but it doesn’t mean you have a miserable life. It just means what life is supposed to be.
Living life to the fullest doesn’t always have to be about all the big deal that happens to you, it can also be about embracing and appreciating all the smallest things that bring you joy.
If the smallest thing such as the thought of having coffee every morning makes you smile, or perhaps something like the sound of the rain can automatically soothe you, I definitely can guarantee you this ; you are already living a life you should be proud of.
Big moment was great when it came, but those small moments are what give life more meaning and make life worth living.
So please realize that. Your life never can be miserable. It is all about what you decide to think and believe. After all, our mind is a very powerful thing. It can either help you or destroy you. It’s all in your control. So choose wisely.